The Travesty of TV Guide
by Aesa Bast
Summary: The YuGiOh cast, along with the help of myself and my semifaithful Dark Elf, Rispah Meron, review an article in TV Guide about their show.


Well, I just got the coming's week (well, Feb. 1-7, to be exact) issue of TV Guide and to my astonishment saw *Yami Yugi* and *Malik* on the cover! Needless to say, I flipped to page 16... and as I read the article, I didn't know whether to laugh or scream in horror and disgust...  
  
To make a long story short, I don't know how many episodes Mark Lasswell, who also apparently wrote an article speculating on how Bill Clinton should (or shouldn't) become a talk-show host (which says a lot about this man's brain capacity in itself), watched... but it certainly wasn't enough to make a decent article. However, in the spirit of my and Queen of Hearts' (as well as countless others) tormenting of the Yu-Gi-Oh cast, I thought it would be nice if they and Rispah helped me further discuss this travesty... err... article.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own TV Guide (if I did, it'd have a hell of a lot better articles) or Yu-Gi-Oh and its characters. I do own Rispah Meron.  
  
Rispah: Did he really have to spell "spelled" with a "z"? Is that supposed to be an attempt at humor?  
  
[Author's Note: The line was, "Last summer, the owners of Dale'z Kardz & Komicz (yes, that's how it's zpelled)..." It also makes you wonder about the spelling capabilities of the owners of that store....]  
  
Aesa: Higher Powers forbid that's his sense of humor... but then, considering the rest of the article, I wouldn't be surprised.  
  
Joey: Hey, it says we're the top-rated show among 9- to 14-year-old guys!  
  
Aesa: Funny, I don't feel like a 9- to 14-year-old boy...  
  
Yami Bakura (my Pooky!): You don't look like a 9- to 14-year-old boy either.  
  
Aesa: Tell it to that guy at Circuit City... how dare he call me "sir"?! I know I had short hair at the time, but I'm not *that* small-chested!  
  
Yami Bakura: ::hugs me::  
  
Aesa: ::hugs back:: Thanks.  
  
Yugi: I'm easily bullied? When did that happen? Yeah, I got beat up once but I stick up for my friends.  
  
Aesa: Yeah, you're not easily bullied... you're just gullible.  
  
Yugi: ::sighs:: Well, I try not to be...  
  
Aesa: At least you're not stupid. Look at Tristan - he can't even turn on a laptop!  
  
Tristan: Hey!  
  
Aesa: I wonder if you weren't able to turn it on in the original Japanese version... I mean, they said you and Joey weren't as doofy in that as you are here.  
  
Joey: ::blinks:: Doofy?  
  
Aesa: Well, actually they said you were smarter in the Japanese version, but aside from instances like the laptop and Joey being confused about Kaiba's briefcase, there really wasn't much to say you two were outright stupid, although you're rather silly at times.  
  
Joey: So you're basically saying we're goofy, not stupid.  
  
Aesa: Generally speaking, yeah...  
  
Yugi: ::still reading the article:: The Millennium Puzzle never sent me into the Shadow Realm during this series! The Millennium Eye did the two times I dueled Pegasus-  
  
Yami Yugi: *We* dueled Pegasus.  
  
Yugi: Right, and there was the time Yami Bakura trapped Tea, Joey, Tristan, Ryou, and I in our favorite cards... Yami Bakura used the Millennium Ring to do that and also to send himself and Yami to the Shadow Realm. So that was three episodes, and Lasswell makes it sound like we go to the Shadow Realm in every episode.  
  
[Author's Note: OK, technically speaking, it was more than that, but seriously... ::counts the episodes in her head:: OK, the Yami Bakura one was two parts, the first duel with Pegasus was one, and the second duel with Pegasus was five... that's eight episodes out of... let's say forty, since the next one is where Yugi begins his duel with Rebecca. On that subject, Rebecca isn't the only character who talks to a stuffed toy... Jhonen Vasquez created two characters that do: Tenna and Squee.]  
  
Aesa: Pathetic, huh?  
  
Tristan: I'll say.  
  
Aesa: And this word, "converted". I looked it up in the dictionary, and I guess, technically speaking, it works, but it just sounds odd to me... ::reads:: "the diffident Yugi is converted into Yami Yugi."  
  
Rispah: What does "diffident" mean?  
  
Aesa: ::gets the dictionary out again and looks it up... reads:: "Lacking self-confidence; timid"... maybe he is sometimes, but he's nowhere near as bad as Ryou. Hell, don't we all feel like that sometimes? I know Joey was nervous about his chances at times, but nobody'd ever call *him* diffident.  
  
Joey: That's right! And Yugi stood up for me and Tristan against that bastard at school!  
  
Tea: And he tried to save me from that mugger!  
  
Aesa: Yeah, I mean, sure it was Yami Yugi who finished the job those times, but Yugi himself was also brave and stuck up for his friends. What was Lasswell thinking?  
  
Joey: ::laughs:: Hey, look everybody! They cut off Kaiba's head in this picture!  
  
::everybody crowds around to look and starts laughing hysterically::  
  
Rispah: The Kaiba fans are going to be furious with TV Guide! Oh, look - bad puns! ::reads:: "Joey will be crawling with trouble, too, after Weevil infests his deck with a strength-sapping parasite."  
  
Aesa: Oi... "crawling" *and* "infested"...  
  
Rispah: Wasn't "infest" the title of a Papa Roach album?  
  
Aesa: Yeah, and the title track from it... ::sighs:: I really loathe puns....  
  
Malik: Hey! Lasswell called my group "wretched"! I'm going to kill him!  
  
Yami Yugi: At least you are on the cover... I should be in front! Why did they put me behind you? Just so they could say you are dangerous? And why am I holding a card in the same hand my duel disk is on?  
  
[Author's note: Yami Yugi was reacting to the caption written beside Malik saying, "Marik: Yugi's Most Dangerous Enemy".]  
  
Aesa: Because they're idiots and Malik's cuter.  
  
Yami Yugi: He is not!  
  
Aesa: Yes, he is! But not quite as cute as my Pooky! ::hugs Yami Bakura::  
  
Yami Yugi: And just how many bad puns did he make from the show title?  
  
Rispah: I think he stole "Yu-Gi-Oh My!" from another fanfic... it seems awfully familiar...  
  
Aesa: You're right! That author should sue!  
  
Joey: ::looks:: "Yu-Gi-Oh!-ho-ho"?  
  
Aesa: Lasswell is either high, an idiot, or both...  
  
Ryou: Well, at least on page 19 he mentions that people playing the game are 6 to 43 now...  
  
Aesa: But does he mention that us older folks are watching the show? No! Hey, I'm 22, 23 in June and I watch the show! And I'm female! Hear me, Lasswell?! Women watch the show and drool over pictures they printed off the computer of their favorite guy!  
  
Rispah: We should close up now, else she'll be at it all night...  
  
Aesa: ::sings:: ~I am woman, hear me roar in numbers too big to ignore!~  
  
Rispah: See? Could somebody get the gurney? We're going to have to strap her down and feed her chocolates until she feels better...  
  
Author's closing notes: Well, I avoided the gurney, and out of the three TV Guide Yu-Gi-Oh theme covers, there is one with Yami Yugi alone. The other two are of Malik and Yami Yugi, with Yami behind Malik, and Kaiba and Yami Yugi, with Yami behind Kaiba... oh... and "convert"... "1. To change into another form, substance, or state." There are actually seven different definitions given, but that's the one that makes the most sense... anyway, if you think there is anything else in the article we should rant about, please mention it in your review. Thanks. 


End file.
